christopher's lives (v5.3)

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm

first impressions of my new Gaggia Classic

So, I opened it last night and set it up. There has been much debate about whether to go ahead and open it or wait until Christmas morning. The final deciding factor is that, much as it seems to surprise people, this is my first REAL espresso machine and I have firmly believed it is going to take me some time to learn to use it and we want to be sipping on a drink Christmas morning while we open presents.

I was definitely right about the learning curve. I started by not even being able to figure out how to prime the pump. The manual says it should take a few seconds, but it took several minutes. But, I didn’t know what to trust, so, it was unnerving to have it sitting there pumping with nothing happening, so, I kept switching it off and staring at it, scratching my head. This took almost an hour of switching, staring, scratching, reading, Googling. Then, when I finally got all that figured out, I had to flush the system several times and that was at least another half hour. All of this would have sucked on Christmas morning, when I want to be enjoying Christmas with the family.
I won’t go through all I did last night, but, I ended up with very hot water spewing all over me and the bar at one point, hitting buttons in the wrong order and getting very unpleasant surprising results, and plenty more staring and scratching, asking myself just what the heck I was thinking getting such a nice espresso machine for a hack like me who has only ever used a $45 Mr. Coffee and a seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time Bodum Granos.
This is just a whole new world for me.
On top of everything else, I have no tamper that fits the group handle (that’s a REALLY big deal) and the frothing wand is little bitty – a fact I admittedly knew when I purchased it. This machine is well-known for lacking when it comes to steam, but I decided that good coffee should be the primary consideration and I’d figure out the rest as I go. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, but it is a price issue – a machine that does everything perfectly costs quite a bit more. And besides, I’m used to working with far-less-than-perfect equipment and getting results that probably exceed what anyone would think the equipment is capable of.

I should note here that I have no good beans, and am waiting until money is a little better to place an order. As with anything, you want as few variables as possible and all I pretty much have at this point are variables and no constants, so it’s hard to know where in the process I am going wrong. I hope to order some good beans in the next couple days.
Anyway, when I finally worked up the nerve to pull a shot with my substandard beans, I was STUNNED! I have a VERY cheap grinder, lousy beans, a tamper that is too small, and I’ve never used a machine of this quality, and the shot was almost pure crema pouring from the spouts! I says to myself “It can’t be this easy – it may look great, but how will it taste?”. Well, the mouthfeel was sweet and almost syrupy. That faded almost immediately into a very smooth, albeit thin yet pleasant taste! Don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t a great espresso shot, but, as I tasted it, I marveled that, if it comes out this good when so much else was wrong, what will it be like when everything is right?!
For so long, I have used equipment that, even when you have made what should be your best shot ever, it can still come out flukishly bad. It seems that even this thing’s bad shots are acceptable shots! So, maybe I no longer have to worry so much about getting a decent shot – it will pretty much always come out decent and I can now focus on the variables that produce perfection instead of constantly worrying about safeguards against potential disaster. After how ever many years of being a hobbyist barista, I am THRILLED at this prospect.

Well, I spent about six hours last night trying to learn it. This morning, I attempted to make Terra a vanilla latte and then a cappuccino for myself.
Um. Hm.
Ok, the frothing is as bad as I feared. Her steamed milk came out ok. But, apparently, you have to switch over to brew mode and then pull straight water BEFORE you try to pull a shot immediately after using steam. And I found out the hard (MESSY) way. The manual DID say to do this, but I thought it was just a helpful tip for people who didn’t know what they were doing. Hrmph. So, while her milk is sitting there getting cold, I now have to start over with the shot – beans, grind, dose, tamp, load, pull, etc.. A five minute drink turned into a ten minute or worse drink.
With my new found knowledge, I then proceeded to attempt a cappuccino. Well, the milk was hot, but, no foam (a cappuccino should be 1/3 foam). And I know I’m not that bad – it’s that little nub of a wand. So, mine was a latte in a cappuccino cup, so the drink turned cold really fast. Blech.

Eleven hundred words already??? I knew I shouldn’t have written this after having so much coffee :P

The bottom line so far is that this machine knows a helluva lot more about making coffee than I apparently do and I have to get up to it’s standards before I can even think about refining my own technique.
And therefore, I am SO glad I didn’t wait until Christmas morning to open it. I have a couple days to try to make passable drinks before Christmas morning.

I would now like to give some public credit where public credit is most certainly due.
Firstly, thanks SOOOO much to Terra’s parents. They did make it financially possible for me to get this. I have wrestled so much with their wish that this be a present opened on Christmas day, but if they read this, I think they may understand. Plus, this is a gift not only to me, but to Terra as well – we have concluded that she is one third owner of it and that math would take too long to explain :P And, speaking of Terra, I owe much thanks to her as she is the one who pushed me so hard to actually order it when I fought so hard that it cost too much and the money could be better spent. In fact, I was so humbled by the gift of her parents, I didn’t want to accept it and Terra (and my mother) pushed me on that, too. And I want to thank my mother who also fought me, for different reasons, to go ahead and get it. She has to wait on her biggest, most-coveted present so I could get this at the holiday sale price. It is safe to say that my mother paid the highest price for this. And, finally, I thank my brother and sister-in-law who, like Terra’s parents, have come to our aid when we didn’t know if we were going to be able to have a Christmas after Terra lost her job in November. Knowing there would be gifts for mom coming from them has helped me to make the decision to spend a little extra Christmas money on the machine.

And that’s it for now. I will get some pics and video up soon. You are ALL invited for coffee :) You, uh, may want to wait a few days, though :P

Sunday, September 6th, 2009 at 8:00 am

[UPDATED] my first haircut in 13 years [fka before and after september 6, 2007]

[original version of this post made on dec 4, 2007...]

0212-2006-091848.jpg   0212-2006-091837.jpg
dscn8004.JPG

dsci2210.JPG   dsci2212.JPG

and here is a video of the actual moment of the hugely controversial event…

this is october of 2008…
topheroct2008

and a vanity shot taken in march of 2008…
tophervanityshot2008march7

Saturday, July 4th, 2009 at 12:52 am

a tour of my desktop

(originally posted on Flickr – but, i wanted it here, too…)

my awesome desktop :)

(click the pic to view original size)

first i want to point out that this is on a 42" lcd hdtv in the living room and i use a wireless kb and mouse…

second, pretty much everything you see is Yahoo! Widgets, Rainmeter, ObjectDock, and Stickies… if you want your desktop like mine, just google those names…

on the left is our budget for the month using Stickies, but, if you look, it is a bit transparent and you will see it is actually the top sticky atop a few others, but this is the only open one – they roll up… (i hide windows desktop icons under my sticky notes…) you can see i have another little note in the middle of the screen, at the top…
beneath the budget are a couple icons of stuff i need to do – check out the PlayOn app, put Iron Man on my mom’s psp, etc…. it’s sorta’ my to-do stack… and the bottom left hand corner – that little blue thing – i can drag a file onto that and it will auto-magically upload it to the ’stuff’ directory on my website…

ok, at the bottom edge is ObjectDock – ya’ know, like the dock on a mac… it is hidden until i hover my mouse at the bottom of the screen and, as my mouse moves, the icons under it enlarge… in this pic, i clicked on ‘APPS’ and it opened the assortment of apps i keep handy… not pictured is the other ObjectDock, which i have set up as the system tray/task bar – it’s hidden on the left… i have used ObjectDock (paid version) for years and can’t live without it… it does many more tricks i won’t get into here…

ok, the news headlines are Rainmeter – which is like a widget engine, but not for the faint-of-heart – it is very complex to customize and you need to have some coding knowledge… as you see, i have rss feeds from home-barista for coffee geek discussions, playstation lifestyle for ps3/psp stuff and google for "real" news…

in the middle, since i love love love photography, a Yahoo Widget showing recent popular photos posted on DeviantArt on the left and another Yahoo Widget on the right with recent popular photos posted to Flickr… they are set to change every few minutes… i leave room since the photos come in all shapes and sizes… both have very impressive customization settings as far as what kind of content to show… for instance, the deviantart widget, of course, has tons more types of art than photography and the flickr widget can show your own stream, favorites, photos from groups and/or contacts, and you can even use it to upload to flickr…

at the top, pretty obvious, Yahoo Widgets for date/time, cpu usage, and upload/download speed…

which brings us to the right edge… i have been a webcam junkie for years and this is a Yahoo Widget called WebImages – several instances of it, of course… i have used several methods for desktop webcam monitoring and this one blows all the others away… the depth of options and customization can be intimidating at first and there is a bit of a learning curve, but it is SOOOO worth it… the radar is the local weather radar, of course… the rest are cams that update once a minute… i have each set up to sort of a theme and each contains more than one cam – when it updates, it switches to the next cam that one monitors… for instance, the top is local – alternating between a cam in cloudcroft and one in las cruces… the next down is home – albuquerque – four different cams and once a minute, it shows a different view… the next three are assorted cool/interesting places – cams in las vegas, italy, california, and others – all three contain a list of all my favorite cams around the world and, once a minute (or whatever i choose to set it to from once a second to once a day) it cycles to the next cam in its list… or, if one of them has something really interesting going on, i stop the cycling and set it to update in near-real-time and each one has a button when you mouse over it to enlarge it as big as you like… you can hit another button to save the current image, even…
but, now i’m gushing ;P
oh, and the very bottom one is NASATV – the widget can stream the video, but, i just have it set to show a still every 15 seconds…

anyway… that’s my desktop…

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 at 2:12 am

twitter is like a text webcam

back before i came here – back home in albuquerque, in my awesome third-floor apartment with a beautiful view of the mountains (the pic at the top of my website is a photo taken from my balcony/patio) – i had a webcam in my living room… yes, something possessed me to broadcast a view of my living room to the whole world, 24 hours a day… there was even another pointed out my living room window, showing the mountains and i lived right in “balloon alley”, so, the cam also let you see the hot air balloons that floated by every morning, sometimes close enough that i could probably toss the pilots breakfast burritos :P

but, i say it was for the whole world to see and, in reality that wasn’t the case… i mean, i’ve had a website for years and very low traffic and i like it that way – i’m not selling anything or benefitting in any way from traffic and it also keeps me off the radar of hackers, spammers and other trouble-makers so there are several reasons why i’m happy with a low traffic site… the main traffic i get – and my webcam got – was friends and family… my dad had a widget on his desktop that showed my living room cam and it meant a lot to him be able to see me on a constant basis… the point is it wasn’t “for the whole world to see”, i knew almost nobody was watching but i did it anyway…
i have loved webcams for years and to this day, i have a widget on my desktop that displays four cams – i have three set to the only live cams i know of in albuquerque (ever since the wonderful abqcam.com shut down) and one i change – sometimes to the cam that points at a spot at the pier where i used to hang out in Hermosa Beach, California – sometimes to the cam at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas that pans around casinos i used to spend a lot of time at – or just to a cam i come across that is a place i find interesting…

anyway, i don’t know where my urge comes from to broadcast my life, but i always got a kick out of it… i miss my webcam… i wish i had one now, but it isn’t just my bachelor life on display, i live here with mom and terra and wesley – so, i have to settle for ‘again someday’…

but, see, that’s where twitter comes in… i’m not so unusual anymore – tons of people are “broadcasting their life for the whole world to see”, so to speak…
my webcam was an answer to the question “what are you doing right now?”…
my cam was never off but the software i used had a mode to just take a snap and upload it, rather than have it on all the time… well, twitter is like that snap-not-stream mode…

twitter is one of those things that someone can describe for an hour to you but until you actually have it, you can’t really see the point… as soon as i was on, i took off and haven’t stopped… it was just the next broadcast medium for me… and i dislike a lot of what twitter has become… for instance, it is very rare i go to the site or use a twitter client — twitter is almost purely a cell phone experience for me… i am following maybe a hundred people and for quite a while just kept changing, every few weeks or so, who i got updates from to my phone… now, i have turned off pretty much everyone except people here in alamogordo — i have every single one of them set to sms delivery (i use the indispensible http://twuzzer.com to keep an eye out for new twitterers in my area)… throughout the day, my phone beeps and there is a twitter and every one of them is local, except for my sis-in-law in vegas and one or two other very infrequent posters…
remember in The Dark Knight when he had everyone’s cell phone providing surveillance around Gotham? yeah, that’s kinda’ what i’m doing… if a twitterer posts in the alamogordo area, i get it to my phone… and almost no other tweets…
so, it’s kinda’ like getting webcam snaps from all around alamogordo… that’s why web-only/client-only twitterers are people i can’t relate to… twitter is many things to many people and ok fine, but i would love to see what it would be like if twitter was phone-only… the way they intended it, i suspect… and one reason i like http://zannel.com so much – almost all of the posts are from people’s phones, not the site or a desktop client – and actually delivering answers to the “what are you doing right now?” question… most of the non-local updates i get on my phone are from the handful of people i follow on zannel…

btw, see, this town is tiny and i’m a big city boy having lived in/around L.A., vegas, dallas, orlando (i loved albuquerque – big enough to have everything but small enough that nothing is more than half an hour away) and i go crazy because there is just nothing at all to do here… so, while i’m here i have lately thought hey, there’s only so many twitterers here – maybe 20 active currently – so, why not continually hear from them what they do? and, sure there are a couple that use twitter to advertise (*spits*) and a few that are what i called above “web-only/client-only” but it is the best chance i have of continually seeing into the lives of a truly diverse cross section of locals… where they go, what they do, etc…. i’m curious… i’ve always loved webcams and now i also love twitter, for the same reasons – when people actually use it that way – as a text webcam…

i twitter and formerly webcam’ed for those who were curious about me and i love being able to get, in real time, the ‘text webcam snapshots’ from people i’m curious about…

once my time here is done and i move back to civilization, i’ll change out whose tweets hit my phone to keep my finger on the pulse, as it were, of people in many cities… but, the webcam mentality is my favorite kind of twitterer… tell me where you are right now, what you see and hear, what you’re doing, and i’ll keep doing the same – whether by cam or twitter or whatever comes next…

[posted from my mint metallic green MotoQ 9c]

Sunday, September 21st, 2008 at 11:59 pm

LifeStream for 2008-09-21 [fixed]

twitter (feed #35) 9:30am Netflix queue’d: 001- The Invasion http://is.gd/2UZQ
twitter (feed #35) 9:30am Netflix queue’d: 002- Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow http://is.gd/2UZR
twitter (feed #35) 9:30am Netflix queue’d: 003- Lady in the Water http://is.gd/2UZS
twitter (feed #35) 12:19pm We are clearing out dad's “office” today. It is going to be a sitting room sorta' thing… http://zannel.com/u/S9RJ3KP7BF
twitter (feed #35) 12:25pm We've said for months we should do something in that room and today is the day… So let it be twittered, so let it be done :D
twitter (feed #35) 4:33pm The new coffee bar location. sweet!! http://zannel.com/u/A000HM9EPU
twitter (feed #35) 5:46pm Progress report – this takes forever :(( http://zannel.com/u/JS939DOOPD
twitter (feed #35) 10:00pm Netflix queue’d: 001- Wrong Turn http://is.gd/2WhI
twitter (feed #35) 10:00pm Netflix queue’d: 003- A Fish Called Wanda http://is.gd/2WhJ
twitter (feed #35) 11:02pm Worked on the new room (and the kitchen) for 10 hours today and still a lot to do… Giving up and going to bed, gotta get up in 5 hours :(
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 at 7:48 pm

i’m writing this post instead of smoking…

it is day three of not smoking…
and that has been my biggest mistake all along is not doing anything… i’m sitting here just not smoking
not smart…
in fact, i smoke sooooo much more since i moved here than i did back home…

see, back home, i got to the point that i didn’t even leave the house with them… and the only time i REALLY felt like smoking was at the end of the night… but, here, i’m just not busy like i was back home… so, i ended up smoking more and more and then, when i tried to cut back — well, it was unpleasant… that was, what? may?
but, see, this time i am doing the cold turkey thing…
i last smoked friday night, say, around midnight, maybe? and it is 7p on tuesday… and, so far, i have been a jerk to all the important people in my life…

i have refrained from reading up on info about quitting (that’s worse than not smoking) but i did look up a couple things and i have classic symptoms… i am, well, irritable hardly even begins to describe it, more like transmogrified into some sort of werewolf… i have this terrible taste in my mouth and everything smells funny… i think the world stinks too much to not smoke… you say cigarettes stink? i’ll come back to that in a minute… and i am having the damndest time keeping a thought… i lose my train of thought continually and i don’t notice it nearly as much as when i try to talk to someone… i find that words don’t come out the way i was thinking them and that i forget what i was saying…
that’s just weird…
the others are one thing, but, don’t mess with this dude’s ability to cogitate and communicate… anything but that…

i mentioned something about cigarettes stinking…

i agree…

see, i don’t smoke these nasty american things like camels and marlboros, i have, since i was about 21, smoked only kreteks, as they’re known in their home country – their friends here just usually call them “cloves”… you know, the things the goth kids smoke… though, they usually smoke the american variety… see, kreteks are a product of indonesia… i order mine over the internet straight from there… and in indonesia, they do make some just to sell to americans and canadians… they are nowhere near as good as the real thing…
yes, this is one of those many “snob things” with me… kreteks are a sort of gourmet item… the short version of what they are would go something like cigarettes made with very high quality java tobaccos (american tobacco tastes like cardboard) and ground cloves (like your mom put on ham) and frequently a “flavoring sauce” – kind of like what they do with cavendish pipe tobacco…
the bottom line is they have very little in common with what 99% of people in this country think of when they think of cigarettes… they actually taste GOOD and the scent is kind of ‘incensey’ and, most nonsmokers would say, not offensively unpleasant…
i, for a long time, have been devoted to Wismilak Diplomats… the flavor is everything i ever started smoking cloves for… they are very different from every other variety i’ve ever had, but quite reminiscent of the much-loved but long-lost Sampoerna X-Tras

anyway, what they DO have in common with a run-of-the-mill yankee cancer stick is the stuff that’s bad for you… and therein lies my problems right now… indonesian kreteks have a good double dose of the nicotine – you know, the addictive stuff in there… and more than double, sometimes triple the amount of “tar”… ahem, it is the tar that makes ‘em taste so good… it is a very moist, flavorful smoke… i mentioned the made-for-american varieties that the people who have seen cloves have seen – the Djarum Specials, the Djarum Blacks, etc. – those are made to american specs; e.g. they make the levels of nicotine and tar acceptable by non-indonesian standards…
unfortunately, i gave up the americanized ones long ago because the indonesians are so much more flavorful… so, here i am having REALLY bad withdrawals… i didn’t mention the trembling and depression before, but, yeah, i got those, too…

btw, even the americanized ones are illegal in this state… yup, three states have outlawed the sale of cloves (maryland and utah are the other two)… there are many urban myths-sounding stories why but the most believable is that they are allegedly attractive to kids – flavored cigarettes, “candy cigarettes”… and there has been a rumor for years that people are pushing for this to be a nationwide thing…
anyway, i get mine directly from indonesia… i think i mentioned that…

hey, i said i’m writing this instead of smoking and already made clear i’m not able to concentrate, so, this will be a long-ish, rambly kinda’ post…

i’m sitting here with a glass of water, with a straw in it as per someone’s advice…
do the math… detoxing, water; straw, oral fix; etc….

i don’t like water…

this is when it would be nice to have a 9 to 5 like back home, so i have a routine to just go get in…

and, jeez, what a rotten time to have an espresso bar as my big hobby!!!! the moment i even SMELL coffee, i want to smoke! coffee and cloves – it’s just a given… so, if i go play at my bar to take my mind off of it, it will just make me want to smoke more than i did before…
and, when i do feel like eating, which isn’t often, i have to have it pretty much bland… see, i love everything spicy… i add lots of black pepper to everything, hot sauce, etc…. well, i love eating spicy food, then popping open a (diet) coke and drinking that bubbly, acidic drink with all that spicy, acidic sensation really bringing home the rich, nutty, chocolatey, coffee-ey, taste of the clove… oh, it’s amazing…
sigh…
so, now i don’t want anything spicy!!!

no coffee, no spicy food…

and have i mentioned that i’ve never really done this before? i mean cold turkey… not that i can remember anyway… i started smoking the usual age – you know, sneaking them at like 14 or whatever, moved out in the late teens, had a few months i could have walked away from them but i didn’t and been hooked ever since… well, sort of… most years, i wouldn’t DIE without them… i could make it a long time without one, in fact… erm, long time in smoker time – like half a day… iow, i wasn’t usually one of these smokers who would go nuts if an hour passed and i couldn’t smoke… sure, there were times i was that bad off (my couple of years with amy comes to mind), but, most years i could go a few hours pretty easily…
it all started after my wife left that i started smoking hard… but, after two or three years, even that subsided and the last few months before i moved here – as i said above – i was down to one or two a day and fine with it…

so, what happened here?
well, stress, sure… being a caregiver for your dying father is not a carefree life… and he was a smoke-once-an-hour kinda’ guy (hey, i wonder if he’s got a forgotten pack of smokes around here?) and i would help him go outside and so i would usually smoke with him… so i guess that increased my frequency a bit… then, he died in december and there were a few stressful months… and the last few have been only two gears – either full-speed stressful or sitting here… i think the sitting, boredom part makes me want to smoke more than the stress…

i need to call billy… but talking on the phone makes me want to smoke… anytime i call someone or answer the phone, i always light a clove…
driving, of course, makes me want to smoke… you know – i remember that was my first real test, quite a while back… when i had convinced myself that i was down to minimal smoking, i had to drive down here to visit mom and dad – about a four hour drive – and i made that drive no problem… that’s when i knew i had it under control…

ohhhhh, i can hear some of you now…
the kind who say there IS NO acceptable kind of smoking… that if i REALLY had it under control, i would have quit altogether… that is the american/canadian/whatever concept of smoking… that it is merely a delivery method for nicotine… well, that is a consequence of the trash that passes for cigarettes in this part of the world… you have to LEARN to enjoy the taste of those things… force yourself is more like it… no one every smelled a burning marlboro and said “yum, that smells nice”… well, no non-smoker anyway… (btw, in a move i predicted, there are now marlboro cloves in indonesia…)
many pleasures aren’t particularly good for you – and one who takes pleasures to an extreme are the ones doing true harm to themselves…
more than that later…

and i have heard it all, especially from the church crowd… telling me about defiling the temple and addiction… these are the same ones who drink legal speed all day and openly joke that they have headaches if they go too long without a cup…
no, i’m talking about hypocrisy, i don’t believe in it – “do as i say, not as i do” is perfectly acceptable to me, as long as you are right… my point is they don’t notice that they are equally as guilty with pretty much clear conscience but don’t see how i could be… yes, i have a clear conscience about enjoying a clove…
and that’s part of why i decided to quit… because it is controlling me – i am thoroughly addicted… if i could have one, once a day, after dinner, i would go right on… and i MIGHT be able to bring myself back to that point, but, as i said wayyyyy above, i tried that back in june… and as much as the addiction is screaming in my body and brain right now, i know i’m doing the right thing… same as with a child, if they are so spoiled that they scream when they don’t get their way, you need to take all reward and pleasure from them until they regain perspective…
in fact, one reason i DON’T want to quit is because it will make the wrong people happy… there are people who are going to say that i am getting right with god by giving up cloves and that just irritates the heck out of me… i went through the same thing when i cut my long hair off… people saying i looked so much more godly now… man, i tell ya’, that made me want to invent a time machine and go right back and not do it… and i am likewise preparing for all the comments now in the church… it is one of a few reasons why i am not telling anyone except terra, sarah, and you reading this… (fortunately, almost no one reads my stuff, so, i’m not really running a risk of people i know finding out…) i don’t want them scoring one of their self-righteous, being-more-like-me-is-being-godly points off of me…

yes, i know that’s pride…

on the subject of not telling people and there being more than one reason, it is also a humility thing, as well as a pride thing…
let me explain…
see, god says we are to “be excellent to each other” and i don’t see him make exceptions for people quitting smoking… he says that his grace is sufficient for me and that his strength is made complete in my weakness and that definitely sounds like it applies to trying to quit smoking… so, if i go around telling people they need to cut me some extra slack and expect the worst because on whatever date i am going to quit smoking, i really feel that i am making excuses to be a jerk when god says i should be kind, tender-hearted, forgiving, etc. and again, i don’t see him make exceptions for people quitting smoking…
i know there are other arguments, but, i’ve prayed about this and that’s what i feel god has told me i need to obey…

now, i like to bring a little something to offend everyone and here is one i know will get most people… i refuse to say i will never smoke again! i will someday once again have the pleasure of smoking… same as i have freedom to have a drink now and then and that is coming from a former drug addict… and, before you even think it, i am not just saying this to make myself feel better and cope with the feelings of finality – no, i will have the luxury of smoking a fine indonesian kretek again… perhaps with an espresso or after a particularly excellent meal… and i fantasize that i will smoke less than i have ever smoked in my life… that it won’t even be a daily thing… it will be a special occasion… though, once you open a pack, they go stale in a matter of days…
but, as i have used my one-of-life’s-simple-pleasures argument to myself, it occurs to me that i am NOT here to have a good time… this is supposed to be a missionary-type thing, my being here… i have a job to do and i have gotten way too comfortable and am making way too many excuses for “simple little pleasures”… i think i can live without one that has certainly gotten out of hand and ain’t exactly cheap…
and, all my friends right now are church friends and they complain about it, each in their own little way… so, it will shut them up… and, i usually live right on the fringe of what is “acceptable” in the church with my dislike of xian music (and probably my use of the abbreviation “xian” :P ) and my long hair (now fancy hair) and my painted toenails and my smoking and all this stuff that makes them say all the things about how i’ve “got one foot in the world and one foot in the church” or whatever, which is a refrain i heard ad infinitum in the old baptist church i grew up in but never expected i’d hear so quickly at a calvary chapel… so, anyway, i could certainly use the points…
of course, i’ll lose more points than i gain when they read this post :P

anyway, i have dealt with depression all my life and i have sort of become attuned to feeling those brain chemical tides turn and i predict i will be feeling better about life in general tomorrow…

in fact, i feel better just writing this post…

but…

i still wish i could smoke…

Monday, September 15th, 2008 at 10:38 am

i’m dying to see this movie! so i have no idea what it’s about…

it’s not as odd as it sounds…
there are a few movie directors i really trust… and a handful of people whose taste in movies i trust…

so, let’s say my friend jennifer tells me i absolutely must see The Unbearable Lightness of Being or Pieces of April or Garden State… ok, i trust her taste – she has good taste… she knows my taste – she loves Silence of the Lambs and i don’t, i love American Beauty and she doesn’t… she knows me well enough to be pretty accurate about what i will like and, if she says i will love some film, i trust her…
AND SINCE I TRUST HER, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW A THING…
just give me the title, i don’t want to know what it is about, i want to go in completely clear minded… i don’t even want to know if it is a comedy, romance, western, nothin’, i trust you – just give me the title…

and there are some directors that i have seen enough of their work to know they do good, pretty much every time… so, i don’t want to know a thing…
Darren Aronofsky, PT Anderson, the Coen brothers are three great mainstream examples… i have pretty much loved everything they have done, so, when i know there is a new film coming, man… i spend month avoiding reviews, dodging trailers, steering clear of conversations, etc…. it is really hard sometimes…
of course, within a year, all three let me down… The Fountain, There Will Be Blood, and No Country For Old Men really left me scratching my head… they all deserve more viewings – i never make up my mind about a well-made film after only one viewing, but, i unreservedly love Aronofsky’s previous two films, and only PT Anderson’s Hard Eight was less than breathtaking – his others were nearly perfect, and while i would not say the Coens acheive perfection on a regular basis, i always like their films much more on a first viewing than i did NCFOM…
i will add that Pixar really let me down during the same time period, too, with Ratatouille… sure, it was beautiful, but, the hair-control thing stretched credulity to a breaking point and i thought the story as a whole was kind of insipid… weakest Pixar offering ever, i said at the time and still do… but, i still avoid any info about every Pixar film and they more than made up for it with Wall-E, which is nothing short of a masterpiece

imagine if you went to Spiderman (blech) and had no idea what the movie was about… or Wall-E or Alien or The Notebook… i didn’t know anything about From Dusk ’til Dawn when i first saw it and nothing could have prepared me for the last half :P

annnnyway, there are so many films/movies out there that i know all about, i read the review sites, i hang out at the message boards and read the discussion, i listen to the podcasts, sure… but, there are the people who i trust and i try to do the impossible with their work and know absolutely nothing, but life is too short and popular media is too pathetic to “blind buy” everything, which is why i am always keeping my eye out for directors i can trust and people whose taste i really trust…

“What the mass media offers is not popular art, but entertainment which is intended to be consumed like food, forgotten, and replaced by a new dish.” – W. H. Auden

yeah, that’s the stuff Terra and i watch on our “slumber party night” on friday nights – movies to eat junk food to… when i know i have a trusted source of exceptions to the rule, i want as pure an experience as possible…

so, i haven’t lost all trust for Aronofsky, i’ll still go see The Wrestler (and i’ve avoided finding out anything), but as i said on twitter a little bit ago, he needs to win my heart back, i’m going to be guarded after what he did on our third date… and i know i’ll like There Will Be Blood a lot more the second time… as for No Country For Old Men, some Coens films only work once you know the rules of the universe the film takes place in… and i could write a whole lot about that… i even really like The Ladykillers – the one no one else does, it seems – but, i had to see it a few times and get comfortable in the setting before the characters made much sense to me… and that could describe most of their films… they create self-contained mini-universes and, if you expect the rules of the real world to apply, the films don’t make sense… sure, all art does this to some extent, but, the Coens are one (of many) example of this idea taken to a sky-high extreme…
the thing that bugs me, i guess is that i didn’t see any juice in NCFOM… let me explain… i said i like The Ladykillers, but it took me a few viewings… while i didn’t like the film, i liked some of the moments and a lot of the dialogue… i kept putting it on while i cleaned house and such, just to catch those things enough times to really get them in my mind, since i had every expectation that i wasn’t going to see the movie again after these few viewings…
see, i was sucking the juice out of the orange and then was going to throw the orange itself away…
but, next thing i knew, i loved the movie, even though that wasn’t my intention…
so, when i watched No Country For Old Men, there was no juice to make me want to come back and suck out… i can’t think of anything i want to go back and see for fear i never will again… that being the case, it may not get the chance to grow on me like The Ladykillers and a couple of their others have…
but, i will still go see their new one, Read Before Burning…

when did this turn into a post about the Coen brothers???

Thursday, September 4th, 2008 at 11:59 pm

LifeStream for 2008-09-04

Yesterday

twitter 10:36pm christopher posted a tweet on Twitter.
jesusfreakgeek: The tv is on but everything else is off, so the screen says “No Signal!”… yeah… that’s exactly how i feel…
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 pm

images of how i felt today

these are OPP (other people’s pics) selected from flickr…

Foggy boy  

Hopeless Me  

Rain on window.  Rain in window

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 1:27 pm

flickr’d photo: dad dying at home



DSCI5464_1.jpg, originally uploaded by insidious_plots.

since i brought up dad in the last pic, i wanted to show another that means a lot to me…

that is cheryl, a nurse with hospice… hospice nurses are amazing people – dad didn’t like anyone much but he liked cheryl… she did so much to help him and take care of him in his last days… she and the other nurses (but especially her) did so much to help us…

this pic was taken as discreetly as i could, trying to keep the camera semi-concealed, or at least not calling attention to it so i could get a genuine moment… i am shocked it came out as good as it did, but, focus, etc. is far from perfect… but, the moment is captured and that’s all that matters to me…

i love the accidental composition of mom looking so concerned yet distant – evocative to me of helplessness or powerlessness – we often felt that way… just watching his life drain away and not in a hospital, surrounded by disconcerting devices and ominous terminology where you expect sickness, but here at home where he hangs all his hats, in his living room, in his favorite chair, the place he probably felt safest for many years… while home i’m sure is a more pleasant place to die, my point is one doesn’t associate home with death… i’m not coming up with the words to fully express what i mean, but if i could always SAY what i felt about what i see or experience, i doubt i would have the desire to do photography…

so, just look at the picture again with all i said in mind…
as i said, it’s one that means a lot to me…